Seen in break room at work.

DO NOT use microwave and toaster oven at the same time.  It will throw the Earth out of orbit and we’ll plummet into the Sun.  Thank You

“Mark Nobody hates babies! He voted against babies 3 times! He also hates seniors! He’ll take all your money!”

“Jane Person is accusing Mark Nobody of hating seniors and babies – but lets look at the facts. Both of Marks parents are seniors, and Mark was once a baby – would he hate his own family? Jane is unclear on the facts.”

So in coming across a new bacon product I discovered the bacon equation for microwave bacon. This will help you determine your cooking time using the WowBacon.

T = time in seconds
P = microwave power in watts
N = number of bacon strips
C = Crispy factor (0-6)
Th = Bacon Thickness factor; thin = 30; thick = 45

T = (N x (Th + C)) x (1000 / P)

Lets try some sample problems.

Jane wants to cook 5 strips of thick bacon to medium crispness. She has a 1000 watt microwave and a Wowbacon. How long should she cook her bacon for in minutes?

T = (5 x (45 + 3)) x (1000 / 1000)
T = (5 x 48) x 1
T = 240 x 1
T = 240

Answer: She should cook her bacon for 4 minutes.

Now you try one:

Paul loves bacon. He wants 3 strips of thin cut bacon just barely crispy. He owns a powerful 1300 watt microwave. How long should he cook his bacon?

NOTE: The WowBacon microwave bacon cooker also catches all the grease in a cup which you can put a popsicle stick in and put in the freezer to make delicious bacon pops.

So I was going through some old pictures on my phone and I came across a photo I snapped of an invitation to a church party that caught my eye.

I always thought that maybe the relief society had a secret wild side, and now I have evidence. Although a bit blurry you can clearly see they are having a pajama party … Where the Pajamas are optional!

For some reason I started thinking about telemarketing calls today. I recall when I was in college we would get calls all the time to change our long distance service. One afternoon after getting such a call I said to the salesperson “You want me to change phone companies as often as I change my underwear. We’ll I got news for ya! I’m not changing my underwear anymore.” I barely got through it without laughing, then slammed the phone down as me and some friends busted out in laughter. I found it to be a good stress relief.

Another time a friend of mine answered the phone, and a telemarketer asked for me. I was in the restroom at the time so she said “Sorry, he’s in the bathroom taking a huge dump right now.”

I recommend that if you get such phone calls you try something similar; but please continue to change your underwear.

Most of us are familiar with the US Government food pyramid. It guides us in what types and amounts of foods we should eat to stay healthy. With our ever changing world there has been a need to expand on this food pyramid. I have watched a lot of horror movies and from them I have learned that most of us will inevitably turn into zombies at some point in our lives. With that in mind the U.Z.D.A released the zombie food pyramid. While that works for most zombies they are neglecting an important portion of the zombie population; namely vegan zombies.

In order to help vegan zombies know what to eat I have developed the Vegan Zombie Food Pyramid. It contains foods such as heads of lettuce, cabbage, broccoli, and cauliflower. It encourages vegan zombies to make sure they are getting enough artichoke hearts, hearts of romaine, and hearts of palm. It reminds them of the oft forgotten ear of corn, potato eyes, elbow macaroni, and celery ribs. It finally encourages them to eat grape nuts sparingly.

Share this with a zombie you are concerned about today.

It seems more and more we are hearing about being “green”.   Who the hell decided on that color for saving energy?  I for one don’t like the idea of being green.  I am not opposed to saving energy and being environmentally conscious, I just hate the term being green.

With that in mind I have started something new that I’d like to push out to everyone.  The Brown Movement (BM).  You too can join the movement, and start pushing the BM.

Times to be aware of BM
Driving; especially long distances
Reading
Gardening
Swimming
At Work
When you first wake up
Before you go to bed
While eating Mexican food
… and many other times

BM and make a difference.  When you BM your effects can linger long after you have left the area.  People will know there was a BM there.

Welcome and thank you for stopping by Driving Without Pants, my blog of strange ideas, jokes, and other nonsense.  In the coming days, months, and years you will be treated to the little guys running around in my head.

That makes me think – If there are little guys running around in my head where do they go to the bathroom?  Well after much contemplation and research I have determined that their waste is released in the form of earwax.  That is why it is so important to keep your ears clean, and also why you shouldn’t eat earwax no matter how delicious you think it may be.

Stay tuned for more.